


Beneath the red umbrella

by lightning_struck



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Blushing Andrew, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicidal Ideation, abuse mention, also, and boys naming each other, andrew growing into the boy we love is what this fic is, andrew is still AJ at the beginning but he wont be at the end, angst with happy ending, awkward teenagers, csa mention, drake is a tw in itself, heart ache included, if you know my art you know there will always be cats, non of our important characters tho dont worry, probably cats, rape mention, so much pining tho, suicide clusters, theres no rape scenes in this, we live for romance and happy endings here, what happened to andrew and neil will be themes but again nothing is graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 21:50:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightning_struck/pseuds/lightning_struck
Summary: AJ feels half a second away from losing his mind with having to settle into another foster home with a mom that genuily loves him. He's convinced someone else will take his place, like they always do, so he holds on especially tight. This time, too, he has to give up a part of himself in order to stay – Drake would destroy it all otherwhise.He would never be brave enough to talk to the boy with the red umbrella or explore why seeing him bruised gives AJ all kinds of feelings he didn't know he could habor. It was nothing but a fantasy, holding his hand and stealing glances.Perhaps, Maybe, Eventually fantasies could become reality. If he lived to see the day.





	Beneath the red umbrella

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for this chapter:  
> suicidal ideation, mentions of suicide clusters (not any of our beloved characters), mentions of self-harm, mentions of abuse  
> nothing graphic! if you're unsure, you can message me here or on [tumblr](http://lio-zehel.tumblr.com/)

“AJ, would you look at that?“ Cass said, a smile on her rosy cheeks and a flower crown on her head. “Drake made this for me. Isn't he the sweetest son a mother could wish for?“

There was nothing but love in her voice. It made AJ wish he could scratch it from her face and tell her how 'sweet' her son actually was, but he was too afraid to say anything, so he smiled back at her. Cass had been the most gentle foster mom he had met; the only, to be precise. If he could get rid of Drake, and have her all for himself, he'd make sure to never let go of her.

Drake sat across from her on the blanket, opening the boxes of food and placing them on the blanket. They had made a habit of coming out to this park on every Sunday, right after going to church. Cass insisted on having a picnic every now and then when the weather was good enough. Sadly, it was June, and the weather was good enough most weekends.

June meant AJ had to endure all the other families in the park, too. Mothers and their newborns were the worst. He hated them on principle of having a birth mother. There was joy and happiness on the parents’ faces when the babies screamed the loudest, and tenderness when they fell asleep. It was disgusting to witness.

AJ ignored the fathers because who really knew if the guy was the actual dad. How many of these babies were bastards like him?

The ruffling of his hair brought him back to the present. Drake had placed a flower crown on AJ's hair. It was too loosely knit to fit him and slid down the back of his hair. Drake reached for it, putting it back in its rightful spot. AJ could feel his hands before they were on his head. He knew this by now. Drake would 'make sure' to place his hand on AJ's back in a brotherly fashion only to have it slide down closer to his ass once Cass was focused on something else; not touching it yet but being unnerving enough to allude to what he meant to do. Sometimes AJ even thought he did it in the hopes of getting caught, and sometimes he knew Cass saw.

No one mentioned it.

 

**

Drake and Cass chatted amicably about church. The spears had never been a very religious family before they adopted AJ. Cass had told him in the first week of them living together how much listening to the pastor had helped her deal with financial instabilities when their last adopted kid went off to college and how he had driven home the point that children made their lives rich, not money. It had been months before the family decided adopting another kid would make them all richer. AJ knew how much it cost some families to adopt. He'd been yelled at how expensive he was many times before, usually closely followed by him being sent back into foster care. By now he felt tone deaf to the argument. The piece of him that cared had already been ripped from his heart.

AJ tried not to close his new family off, too, but it seemed like there was already a divide between them that he wasn't able to bridge. For once, it wasn’t caused by an uncaring family. He tried to mend it as best as he could by placating them, and often enough it worked. However, when he was alone at home, and when no one else noticed, he felt a loneliness in him that was greater than any he felt when he got sent back into foster care.

Cass either didn't know, or pretended not to notice, that AJ was slowly but surely losing the battle inside himself. He couldn't blame her. When she first met him, he hadn't smiled in years. How was she to know when he had started spiraling again?

“---when pastor Luther said it was a great crime how some families kick out their own sons and daughters I felt heartbroken,“ Cass said. From her tender expression he could tell she had been addressing him for some time before he noticed it. “Who could do that to their own children?“

“Yeah, but no worries,“ said Drake in reply. “That's never going to happen with us. You're going to stay with us forever.“

The way he said it, AJ’s insides roiled. It was a promise of what was to come later that day, if he was unlucky. He wanted to throw up, but the love in Cass's eyes made his stomach clench too hard.

“He's right. You're lucky you have me, and an older brother who loves you as much as I do.“She smiled and reached for Drake’s arm, “As his older brother you're his protector.“

If someone had said this to him a few years ago, AJ might still have believed them. But as it was now, he had heard many versions of that story. And even when it came from someone with the purest intentions, like Cass, something had already gone wrong before salvation could come to him. There were no protectors and safe places in this world.

Still, something inside of him wondered if there really was no help for him? Could he cast a death sentence on himself like there was no hope worth looking for; or was it worth trying to keep a sense for something greater in the deepest parts of his heart where no one else could reach and destroy it?

He had to squint his eyes and blink a few times to keep from tearing up at the thought. he didn’t wanna alert the others to his inner turmoil, so he let his eyelids fall shut and exhaled slowly.

In truth, he wasn’t willing to turn against himself like everyone else had. He would hold on a bit longer. He had no answers to what was out there for him, he only knew life had to be bigger than this; than Cass and Drake and the families before them.

He inhaled.

With a heart of rust and a throat full of knives he placed the last abiding part of himself into a box that he hid in a labyrinth of myth and lies. He gave himself permission to forget the path back in, so no one, not even AJ would be able to break himself down to his very core.

So many had tried, and failed. The foster dads who never kept their promises were examples of men he would never become. It was a compromise he had made with himself the months Cass visited him for adoption. He lied to himself that it wasn’t because of her, but he was truthful in believing it was for his own good. Cass was a catalyst; but she could only raise someone who wanted to get up in the first place. AJ was the fuel that burned them all to the ground.

Cass rubbed her hand over his arm and smiled knowingly at him. He didn’t have to use words with her. Sometimes he wondered if that was what love really meant. And if so, would that same kind of love manifest itself in him?

He answered with a brave attempt at a smile that fell short just barely. And she returned the gesture with a short but strong hug. He had gotten used to them, the love in them was stronger than the doubt he felt. If only it wasn’t for someone else making him feel like even those hugs weren’t enough to save him.

Like a true big brother, Drake slapped AJ's back and laughed, “Come on, man up.“

Cass let go of him, but made sure to let her hands linger on his arms for a breath longer. It felt like a promise, and it scared AJ.

Drake made a vulgar joke about a boy from his astrophysics class and stole Cass's attention from AJ. She laughed at the joke with that hearty laugh she only showed with her children. AJ had no idea who the classmate was, and astrophysics wasn’t taught in his grade yet, so he tuned them out by watching other kids in the park.

 

**

The sun had wandered and threw new shadows onto their blanket when AJ excused himself to walk around. It had become a habit after the third time they came to the park. He had too much teenage energy to sit down for longer than one hour. Out of fondness for Cass he endured it another hour before he usually started walking around. Sometimes he brought toys with him, though he gave that up pretty quickly after realizing that playing alone was stupid.

Those walks in the park when he needed alone time were the highlight of his Sundays. He could deal with listening to the pastor, and Cass dragging him out here with Drake on their heels once he had room to take a breath and let go of the tension in his shoulders. Sometimes just banter was too much when he had to pretend every day.

The pastor had spoken about the importance of family and AJ had wanted to put his fist through the pastor's teeth. It wasn't his fault, but sometimes people just needed to shut up when they knew nothing of the things they talked about.

So much of it sounded like lies. Did these people not hear themselves talk? Did they really believe what they preached? And if so, what would the good old pastor say about what Drake did. Oh, wouldn't that be a funny story.

AJ found his favorite spot in the park. Not only was it almost at the opposite end of it, and therefore unlikely that Drake would come after him, it was also surrounded by cherry blossoms. The trees hid a small pavillon on a hill, overlooking most of the rest of the greenery. It was a good spot for couples. On sunny days they were more likely to sit in the grass though, which meant it was mostly empty.

He felt the sun warm his face as he inhaled. More of the tension left him. With the smell of the cherries surrounding him, he felt ambition creep into his thoughts. Maybe he should try out for the running team this year, or see how far he could swim in a competition. Spring felt like so much was possible if less people stood in his way, or if he had dreams at all, or if he finally made some. And what would it feel like to kiss a cute boy if he so much as felt like doing it. He would so hide that from _everyone_.

He squeezed the single cigarette he had stolen from  Richard out of his jeans pocket. He had seen him smoke outside the house a couple of times after work. He never brought them inside, usually leaving the pack sitting on the porch. AJ had taken the cig a few days ago and so far, he hadn't gotten in trouble for it. Richard probably hadn't noticed. He was stupid like that. A goofball to his core, and useless with putting up rules. Cass had to do all the child training. He just went to work, brought home money and food, and had a smoke once a day before coming in. Cass didn't say anything about the smell, just rumpled her nose. He kissed it better.

Maybe AJ could be like that one day. Come home to his loved one, smelling like his ordinary brand of smokes and have someone to kiss better.

Probably not. When kissing felt anything like the too hard press of Drake’s chapped lips, the sour taste of his cum, the too manly for his age smell, then AJ would gladly never have a taste of that again. Yuck.

Kissing would eventually lead to fucking, he thought in a panic and wiped a hand over his mouth as if to wield off any potential kissing partners. _Definitely not going there, nope._

The cigarette AJ put to his lips was as good a distraction as they come and he inhaled. And nothing happened. Alright, reign in the Richard for now. No need to be goofy by smoking without lighting the cigarette first.

He looked around for someone to ask. He doubted the mothers with their newborns smoked. Or would hand a lighter to a twink with a cigarette.

He let his gaze wander around until it zeroed in on a red umbrella. A boy of his own age sat underneath it, looking a bit lost. Didn’t he have any friends or video games to play? Like clockwork, the boy would show up, place his umbrella in a different spot every time and sit down under it.

The sad look was new. The umbrella was big enough that it could fit a whole family underneath. Maybe that was the problem.

Face grim, staring at the grass in front of him, the boy didn’t notice AJ. Around him kids yelled to their families, ran into arms of fathers and got hugs from mothers, some threw balls at the younger siblings and others stuck their tongue out at the older. The boy, however, had none of that.

AJ deliberately moved to him with slow steps. It gave him some time to study the boy before he would ask him for a lighter. He didn’t think he was soundless enough to warrant a jolt of panic, but when he stepped into the boy's field of vision he jerked back like he'd been struck – a feeling AJ knew. He wanted to say something mean to him to make fun of his weakness just like Drake had done, but the words got stuck in his throat when the boy's eyes found his and a wave of something hit him, something... something?

What was it?!

“You a fighter?!“ AJ blurted out and died inside.

The boy turned his head away from him, and for a moment AJ thought it was dismissal, but a small bruise on the boy’s mouth caught his attention. The rage he felt at that stunned AJ.

“So the stalker finally shows his face,“ the kid replied. The hostility in it was unlike anything AJ had heard before, but instead of getting mad at it he found an overwhelming sense of curiosity surfacing. Someone who didn't pretend to love people, that was new.

His response was to grab the cigarette pack lying in the grass next to boy's shoes. He gave the boy a questioning look when he drew his feet away and shook the box. A clank told him his guess was correct. Under the boy's watchful eyes he pulled the lighter from the box and lit his cigarette.

It almost looked as cool as it did in the movies. Except AJ knew jackshit about lighting cigarettes and the cherry went out before it was on. The boy made an aborted sound that might qualify as a laugh if he had let it out.

AJ crossed his arms, looked him up and down, turned around, and walked away.

Because this was the most embarrassing encounter of his life. Ever.

 

* * *

 

That night, AJ didn't sleep.

For some reason, the kid from the park spoke even less than AJ did. Everyone else constantly chattered on about the most mundane things. AJ had been told many times now that he should open up more. He didn’t see the purpose of talking about something that he wasn’t interested in, so he didn’t talk about it. Whenever AJ had seen the kid and his umbrella, he was alone. He didn’t talk to himself, and if strangers spoke to him, he ignored them. If AJ hadn’t heard him speak, he would have thought the boy was mute. It was refreshing not to have to tune out the unnecessary things. With a memory that worked like his, it was an impossible task and took the joy out of him constantly.

Alone in his room, he tossed and turned as though he had just woken from a nightmare. His feet couldn't lie still and they dragged the blanket with them each time they moved. The blanket was annoying by virtue of being all over the place and not covering him like it should. He threw it off, went to the window and looked outside.

In the dark of the sky he saw a bruise formed on lips. What fights did a kid get into who didn't speak that much? Couldn't be because of his smart mouth. Did said mouth earn him other bruises, maybe some that were easier hidden?

AJ looked down at his legs. The paleness of his skin gave nothing away of the scarring he had endured from fights with biological siblings. How good his fair skin was at hiding scars, he had come to learn too quickly. It didn’t help any with the scars from cutting, they lingered on his ankle like a weight dragging him down memory lane. He’d never told anyone about them, and he hadn’t dared to hurt his arms. It would draw too much attention. The only people who would see his ankles would incriminating themselves if they told anyone.

The boy was perceptive though. He had noticed AJ watching him from the pavillon and AJ had no idea. He wished he knew how the boy managed to do that. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so unnerved by it.

He also wished he knew what the feeling in his stomach was. Not knowing made him reel with anxiety. The unknown usually ended up hurting the worst.

He turned on the TV in hopes of finding some porn to take his mind off the feeling. Porn had become boring after AJ realized how coerced it was - how it felt like what Drake did was worse, and how it couldn’t help him figure out his own sexuality. At his age, everyone talked about sex, thinking they knew everything. Sometimes even neighbours twice his age made comments to him - always the same snarky but rude ‘you got hair down there yet’ comments. If he didn’t know better, he’d think nothing of it. Knowing what he did, he knew these people didn’t just joke, but wanted to have him answer in embarrassment; and see parts of his sexuality that they shouldn’t have access to.

They were all the same disgusting people. AJ knew them all.

When he found his first porn video by accident he didn’t think anything of it. After all, what could they show him that he hadn’t seen already? Yet, he found it vaguely thrilling and alarming to see the men seduce women, only to end up disappointed in how focused they were to show off their dicks and there not being any emotions involved. It took him some months to realize that other boys didn’t zone in on the defined muscles of the dudes, or the treasure trails and beards. They craved boobs and were shocked and aroused to see vaginas for the first time - while AJ found them utterly boring. Dicks were a thing that both made him want to vomit and feel them up. And for now, he decided he didn’t wanna get further into it. Not with the constant freak outs he had when he thought someone was waiting in front of his door, listening in on him.

He had masturbated little so far. It had always been hurried, because the fear that someone would catch him was greater than the little pleasure he got from it. And worse, afterwards he felt ashamed to enjoy it. So much so he wanted to cut off his hands and never touch anything or anyone ever again, least himself.

For him, watching porn gave him a mixed feeling of relaxation and satisfaction without the panic and shame masturbation brought with it. He had yet to ask an adult if you really went blind from touching yourself; he wouldn’t because adults always made leery remarks.

Switching between the channels, he found the first 3 stations broadcasted old movies and one hosted a World War 2 documentary. He looked at his alarm clock. Past 2. Usually porn was on by now, and it was easy to find. In fact, he wondered why no one had monitored his TV or child locked the channels.

He stayed on the next channel. It had news on. News after midnight were usually short, so he hoped to find what he was looking for after they were done.

Just as he focussed on the anchor, an image of a train was shown and people running around in paramedic uniforms.

“---boy who ran in front of the train died. They have yet to confirm the cause of death as an accident or possible suicide.“

The image switched to a crying father, the mom standing behind him, holding his shoulders. It was an image he had seen many times before. Parents who held onto each other when they told him he had to leave. Parents who sent him away because he was the weakest link in the chain.

Before the news were able to broadcast their tragic voices, AJ turned the TV off. He'd heard it all before. Me this. Me that.

He stared at the dark screen. What was that word she had used. Suicide?

Suicide.

It lay on his tongue like sin, unable to pronounce and still so hard to ignore it. He shook his head. What a stupid idea. Who'd be stupid enough to jump in front of a train?

He picked up his blanket and wrapped it around himself. His back to the bed, he sat down on the clean carpet. The Spears had taken great consideration in decorating his room but all he could see was the far away sky and the moonlight that didn't reach his feet. Was that how the boy felt under the umbrella?

It gave AJ a feeling he didn't understand. If his eyes hadn't fallen shut then he might have tried to learn it.

 

* * *

 

Next day at school he learnt that Joe, the boy who always kicked his desk neighbor and smudged her white tights with dirt, was stupid enough to jump in front of a train. It gave AJ a feeling of being in the wrong time and place, like he was imagining this and he didn’t really have to listen to the teacher speak about the importance of life.

The teacher started with a big talk on how each individual child deserved support. School and church were here to help. Family was everything. It made his head spin with unspoken words he wanted to shout at everyone who had ever wronged him, but got stuck in his lungs filled with panic. Breathing was hard, and he wished Cass would hug him and tell him she was here, he was safe. He wasn’t and he would never ask, never ask, never ask. Cass was everything he wanted, everything he needed and he could never say it.

There was a distant echo in his head from former foster homes. People would always fall through grids, he knew. He would always fall through in the end. Everyone got away with everything. He tried to tune the memories out, tune all of it out, the teacher and Cass's arms around him. He was all alone in this world. No one protected anyone. Joe had been well liked in class, made everyone laugh with jokes about the pastor, with jokes about his dick and laughed the loudest himself. His dad picked him up for soccer practise after school each day, and if pride had a face it was this dad’s. Joe won trophies with his team, was the best player on the team.

Jack shit it did for him.

AJ was sick with how hard he had wished to have Joe’s life, to be anyone but himself.

The world remained a dark place with nothing to achieve and gain.

 

**

The days after the suicide went by in a hurry. Had life anything important to do? He felt like everything happened on a fast track with no brakes. More than once he had snapped back a comment at one of the Spears that he’d usually bury inside himself.

It was Sunday again. Church happened again, then picnic. Then another week passed, June turned into July, Sundays were even hotter. AJ felt calmly disconnected.

The other shoe had to drop one of these days.

And when it did in the form of another kid from his class killing herself, her death influenced her best friend to kill herself three days later, too - and left AJ feeling utterly like he was breaking into pieces, and he’d be next.

By then the parents had taken it upon them to have a meeting at school and talk to every kid in their class about suicide. They understood that one suicide lead to more, a rippling effect, they said. AJ was listening, and learnt not one bit.

The school built up a new counselling system that was free for the students, and that a lot attended in the first few weeks after the last student killed herself. Then they thinned out, and the counsellor was sure everyone was doing better. AJ knew some of them were. He wasn't.

By then Cass’s arms around his shoulder felt like the weight that would finally sink him.

 

* * *

 

 

The following Sunday AJ lay down on the blanket. Sunglasses protected his eyes as he watched the sun battle the clouds. Cass was off to talk to a friend she had run into. Left to their own devices Drake didn’t put up a facade when he was going in to feel AJ up.

This time AJ threw the flower crown in Drake’s face. And when Drake threatened him, AJ shrugged it off. What was the worst he could do that he hadn’t already done to him?

And Cass, when she noticed them not looking at each other, had to listen to Drake complain how exhausting it was to always have to take care of a new foster kid. She didn’t have to answer and explain her choices to him because AJ walked away from the picnic.

Maybe this was why Richard never came to church with them.

When he found the boy under the red umbrella, he was with his mother. Neither of them was looking at the other. She was talking on the phone, her expression somber.

It felt like it had been years since he last saw the boy, yet his embarrassment felt as real as it did then.

The boy just looked lost, like he’d always done when he wasn’t aware AJ watched him. Briefly their eyes met. AJ felt himself turn red, so he looked away before the kid could notice. He expected the boy to smirk at him when he let his gaze wander over again. There was no snark in him today. There was, however, a new bruise on his face.

Out of nowhere the mother yanked at the boy’s arm, and what felt like years before were nanoseconds now between AJ noticing it and standing right in front of her, yanking her arm in return.

“Excuse you?” She said in a brusque and hostile tone that told no lies about where her favors lay.

The smile he gave her was all teeth, wide from the disconnected high he’d been riding the past weeks.

“Parental support is key in avoiding suicide in youth.”

She stood up, ripping her arm free, and easily towered over him. He hated people who used their height to do so, and she was a tall woman of six feet, and built to last. It amused AJ how someone like her would turn her aggression on her son.

“I beg your pardon?”

The amusement morphed into aggression easily, and in the back of his mind AJ felt happy that he had access to that form of emotion, while his outside betrayed nothing.

He told her what he wouldn’t tell Cass: “Your negligence is killing children.”

Only then did he notice the boy had stood up, too, behind his mother. He looked like he’d been looking for an exit and found none that wouldn’t end in either of their disasters. It did something to AJ. Once again, he couldn’t put a name to it.

“Where are your parents, young man?” The woman demanded.

AJ replied with a smile. “Preferably dead.”

The boy gestured for AJ to get lost, and AJ tried not to feel ambushed by it. But in the end, he gave in when the mother crossed her arms in front of her and looked him up and down.

“You’re a real grown up, huh. Tell me again how I’m killing my son, will you.”

Letting himself have this moment, he studied the boy’s face up close. The bruise was large, surrounding one eye, and it had swollen a bit. The blue eyes were the only expressive thing about the boy. There was a yearning in them that AJ wished he knew how to connect to.

His focus on the boy, AJ told his mother what he couldn’t tell Cass. “You will be sorry.”

It was victory, only that it wasn’t, when he walked off.

There was only one repeating thought in his head:

 _Fuck_.

 

**

AJ was on his way back to the car when someone bumped into him from behind. AJ struck back, and his arm collided with nothing. The other person was already gone. It got his nerves up and riled him more than he’d like to admit. Cass called him, and he gave up trying to find the person who did it.

When he was waiting for the car ride to be over, already needing to lock himself in the bathroom for a while so he could ignore the Spears, he wondered if he had been really stupid or really brave. He’d never stood up for anyone else. He hadn’t thought he had it in him given how no one had ever done it for AJ either. He found he liked the feeling of it.

Cass parked the car and everyone scrambled out. AJ made sure to get out first and hide from people for a while. When no remark came from Drake about how he should come to his room later, _to play "video games"_ , AJ turned around to see Drake picking up a piece of paper. His eyes followed the writing on it.

When he looked up at AJ they filled with mischief. AJ held back his snarky comment when he felt how numbing the shiver was that ran down his spine.

Every fiber in his gut burned at the sight of him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> with much thanks to my beta readers. see you in the next chapter :*


End file.
